Daylight Robbery

I stand outside your home watching silently, slowly dragging on a cigarette.

After a few minutes I drop the cigarette to the floor, extinguish it with the sole of my shoe, and make my way over to your front door.

Upon reaching the door I twist the handle and walk straight in. My eyes scan the hallway but I can't see what I'm looking for so I move on to the kitchen. After another quick look around I see my prize on the table...your wallet. I walk over, help myself to a few notes, and slip them in my pocket.

Before I leave I pull a small notepad from another pocket and scribble a few lines before carefully placing the note on the table and leaving.

All this time you have been watching me, unable to move or voice your protest. Finally you pull yourself free of the invisible bindings holding you back and consumed with both rage and curiosity you grasp the note from the table.

It reads...

I have taken a significant percentage of your monthly wage and will continue to do so until you contact me and ask me to stop. 

If you contact me within the next month and ask me to stop I will return you money in full, any longer than a month you can still ask me to stop but I wont return the money I've taken thus far. 

If you fail to contact me at all I will continue to take this money each month for as long as you continue to work.

At the end of your working life you may get some of what I've taken back, you may even get more, but equally you may get nothing.

Please don't complain as there is absolutely nothing you can do about this.

Have a nice Day

And that is how the Government Auto-Enrolment Pension Law Works.

There & Back Again - A Stoaty's Tail (Manchester, Singapore, & The Philippines)

Disclaimer

This blog is rather long, badly written, and of little interest to most people. It’s mainly for my friends & family, but if you wish to read on then please do, you are most welcome.

Background

Before I recount the tales from my little jaunt into Southeast Asia I’ll give you a little insight into the main reason for my visit to Singapore & the Philippines.

Some time ago my Dad met the lovely Elvie, a Philippine lass, in a Jamaican chat room on the internet (What are the chances eh?). Their relationship soon blossomed and just over a year ago my Dad left the rural idyll of Suffolk bound for the exotic climes of the Philippines, Mindanao island to be precise. They were soon married and there he now resides.

That was a year ago so I decided a visit was long overdue. Accompanying me was my good friend of many years Abraham. Having just about finished 3 years of his nursing degree (he got a 1^st!) he had decided he need a bit of a holiday, and my trip to visit the folks sounded like a perfect way to relax and have a bit of a après degree treat. 

Our destination was Davao City, with a few days stop-over in Singapore on the way. 

This blog will be written in a mix of past & present tense, some of it is from notes, the rest from memory.

21^st August 2012

The day before I set off for a once in a lifetime trip to Singapore & The Philippines, I find myself in a doctors waiting room in the hope they can tell me why my piss in the colour of a fine Chilean Merlot. 

It’s a re-occurrence of a problem I had many years ago so I’m not too worried, back then, after many tests (including a camera being shoved where no man wants a camera to be shoved) the results were inconclusive and after a few days the problem cleared itself up anyway.

So after a few minutes with the doc this time round...the results are inconclusive. They think it could be kidney stones but gave me a short course of antibiotics as well just in case. They’ve taken my blood and I’ll need some kind of kidney ultrasound when I return but they didn’t seem to concerned so neither am I. Of course my need to go to the loo every half hour or so might make the two 7 hours flights to Singapore a bit of a pain in the bladder, but what can you do?

22^nd August 2012

I’m officially on holiday!

We fly from Manchester airport. Our good friend Mike kindly agreed to drive us to the airport so we didn’t have all the stress of having to rely on the trains to get us there.

All checked in and through security without any problems, I wasn’t even selected to get blasted by the Perv-a-tron 3000 full body X-Ray machine either, which was nice.

Google had informed me there was a smoking area in the terminal so I went off in search of a last nicotine fix before the flight. After many corridors & steps I ended up in a cage down on the tarmac with a urinal full of sand which I correctly assumed was a colossal ashtray. After a quick ciggy it was time to board.

The first leg of the flight, Manchester to Doha, should take about 6 or 7 hours, I can’t remember the exact timings. 

The departure of our flight was delayed slightly as someone had to leave the plane and we had to wait until they had located and removed his luggage (FFS). 

I don’t mind flying, well I’m fine once we’re in the air, but I hate takeoffs and landings, they scare the crap out of me. I’m always worried that the plane seems to take forever to get into the air and the runway will run out, or the pilot will dip a wing just as we’re airborne and I’ll die in a ball of fire.

Thankfully the takeoff was fine.

They served us with a nice meal not long after takeoff. A main dish of chicken & lemongrass with rice, some cake, cheese & biscuits, and of course the obligatory bread roll. We’re flying with Qatar Airways so you’d expect a good standard of grub.

Each seat has a little TV with an interactive menu of films, TV shows, and the like. Ours doesn’t work. After 2 server re-boots the best we can get is a little map of where out plane is and an arrow pointing to Mecca. 

The cabin is also now infused with the stench of soiled nappies. 

Managed to watch most of The Avengers over some guys shoulder without any sound, not my greatest movie experience.

Thankfully I have a window seat so that provides enough entertainment for me. Although it’s night time you can still see the cities below, mapped out by their many street lights. Flying over the Arabian deserts of Syria & Iraq you would expect the place to be empty but that’s not the case, the lights cities are everywhere, and you can see huge flames billowing forth, even from 37 thousand feet, I’m guess they are burning the excess gas from the oil mining operations. Very impressive sight though.

The moon is very red here, must be something to do with dust in the atmosphere?

We arrive in Doha around midnight and as we step off the plane are hit by a wall of 40 degree heat! I’ve never felt anything like it, it almost knocks you off your feet. They’ve not finished building Doha airport yet so a bus picks us up from the plane and takes us to the terminal, from what I can work out it’s the only terminal. Another bus then takes us out again to our next plane, time was short so no real chance to look around.

The second of our flight takes us from Doha to Singapore.

This second plane is much bigger and much nicer. Comfier seats, better TV, and the interactive stuff works! I watched The Hunger Games, it was a bit disappointing, nowhere near as good as the book.

23^rd August 2012

Arrived safely in Singapore. Changi Airport is AMAZING! The terminal is huge, with sculptures, waterfalls, Koi ponds, palm trees, and even a small copse of trees! I’ve never seen anything like it. 

The lady on the customs desk wasn’t too keen on letting me in to the country, she said I didn’t look like my passport photo. I explained it was taken 10 over years ago, and after removing my glasses and a lot of gurning to try and mimic my pose in the pic she let finally let me in.

Very pleasant taxi ride from the airport to the hotel, they drive on the left so it wasn’t too confusing. We’re staying at the Traders Hotel in Orchard (which I’ve since found out is the red light district, not that we saw any evidence of that).

It’s a lovely hotel with a nice pool outside. While Abe went for a swim I settled down poolside and ordered a cool glass of beer...I then had a heart attack! 7 quid a bottle! That’s 7 actual British pounds, not Singapore dollars, they will be sober times in Singapore, very sober times. 

 

It turns out that Singapore is a very expensive place, except the taxis, they were actually very reasonable.

We went for a little wander around town, the place is SO clean, I don’t think I saw any litter during our entire stay. Chewing gum is banned here, you’re not even allowed to bring it into the country. I didn’t miss it.

Managed to get fleeced by a Buddhist. He lured me in by offering me a bit of shiny paper, then asked if I would like to make a pledge to world peace (we who wouldn’t). Before a knew what was happening I had a wooden bracelet on my wrist and he was demanding a ‘donation’ of 200 dollars! But I stood my ground...and offered him 20 dollars to sod off. It was an expensive bracelet. 

Found a little food court place with a number of stalls to choose from, fairly cheap. I went for a wanton soup and some noodle dish, very tasty!

They seem to favour ‘squat down’ toilets in a lot of places here, I’m not impressed. I resolve to save up all of my toilet duties until we get back to the hotel...where possible.

24th August 2012

Went to Singapore Zoo today, I’m not usually a fan of zoos but this had been recommended as a ‘must visit’ by a colleague at work.

The place was amazing, just like walking through the jungle (and just as hot), most of the enclosures were so large you couldn’t really tell they were enclosures.

Abe almost stepped on a little snake which was roaming free, lucky for the snake he saw it in time. There were also huge monitor lizards lurking in the undergrowth. 

In the afternoon we went to The Long Bar at Raffles Hotel for a Singapore Sling, it’s another one of those ‘must do’ things whilst you’re in Singapore. There were bowl of peanuts on the tables and you just through the spent husks on the floor, bit of a health and safety risk if you ask me.

We ordered Slings and Satay (A must have food in Singapore), both were delicious! The whole Raffle experience was always going to be expensive, we expected that, but it turned out to be cheaper than we thought. They presented me with a bill with stuff I hadn’t ordered on it, but it was less than my bill, so I paid it and made a sharp exit.

After Raffles we wandered down to Marina Bay for a hideously expensive beer. It was will worth the trip though as the night city skyline was out of this world. Including a building which consisted of 3 huge skyscrapers with a massive boat on top, you had to see it to believe it!

That evening we went to Smith Street in Chinatown, famous for its on-street food stalls. Took a while for out food to be prepared but it was well worth the wait! Quite surreal sitting on a table in the middle of a road with people walking past, but not an unpleasant experience.

During our travels around town I was frequently excited by catching glimpses of part of the F1 tract, as it’s a night race you can trace the layout of the track by looking for the floodlights mounted above the road. At one point our taxi drove us along what I think was the back straight!

25^th August 2012

Today we leave Singapore, bound for the Philippines. 

The flight from Singapore to Davao (our destination in the Philippines) was a bit basic when compared to the luxury of our previous flights. On this airline (Silkair) the ‘One piece of hand luggage per person’ rule roughly translates to ‘Stuff in the plane as much as you can carry’. I put my 1 regulation size manbag under the seat as the overhead lockers are full with the worldly possessions of every other person on the flight. 

The only in-flight entertainment was a shared TV screen with no sound showing a heady mix of Mr Bean, Just for Laughs, and Total Wipeout. After a couple of hours of this I was praying for engine failure.

Dad & Elvie met us at the airport, which is a good job as the Philippines are crazy!

I have culture shock.

The roads here are something else, there seem to be no rules, and if there are any they are certainly not enforced. Basically if you beep your horn it means “I’ve beeped my horn, if you don’t get out of the way then that’s your problem not mine!” This applies to other road users and pedestrians alike.

The taxi drops us at The Ponce Suites hotel...which is confusing because we’re booked in to the Apo View hotel. After a short discussion with my folks it’s seems they thought we had booked into the former, when we had in fact booked into the latter. Taxis cost peanuts here so it’s not a problem.

The Apo View is a bit basic but it does the job. It does not have a view of Mount Apo. 

I’ve noticed all the hotels, shopping malls, and banks here have armed security guards on the door. The assault rifle & pump-action shotgun seems to be the weapon of choice around these parts.

It’s all because the region has a bit of a terrorist problem. I never saw any terrorist during my stay,  so the system seems to work very well!

That evening we went to a resort called Jack’s Ridge for some food and entertainment. There was a covers band on, they were very good. People from the tables kept jumping up on stage to have a bit of a sing, they were also very good! Puts our western karaoke to shame!

I thought the food was nice but Abe wasn’t too impressed, to be fair though I think we ordered pretty badly. They give you a little dish with a miniature lemon and some tiny chillies so you can add a bit of soy sauce and make your own dip. I crushed my chillies into my concoction good and proper...it took me 2 hours to regain the feeling in my lips.

We got back to the hotel around 11. I wanted to get an early night but Abe suggested we check out the on-site nightclub. It was very swanky with mood blue light, and playing a mix of 90’s house music. It also had Stolichnaya vodka, which I was very pleased about.

After a while out waiter came up to us (it’s all table service in Asia) and said “I’m very sorry sir...” (I thought he was going to refuse us more booze as we’d had too much to drink) “I’m very sorry sir but we have no more Stolichnaya” We’d drunk them dry! Result!

Almost forgot to mention the ants. Ants! Flippin Ants! Big ones, small ones, almost invisible ones, red ones, black ones, bitey ones...if you don’t like ants, then the Philippines is not for you. It took me a couple of days of flailing around like a fool before I got used to them, but I did eventually. 

26^th August 2012

I have a hangover.

Spent most of the day in bed. At one point there was a banging on the wall, I was just about to bang back and tell them to shut the hell up when the bed started shaking too. It was a little earthquake, very similar to the one I had felt back in Yorkshire a few years before. 

Went down to the restaurant with Abe for dinner, it turned out to be a buffet. I’m not a fan of buffets. The food was pretty terrible so didn’t eat much. He tells me he's met a lovely lass, about time too.

27^th August 2012

Today we leave the hotel and head off to Bago Oshiro, where my Dad & Elvie live, it’s about 30 minutes in a cab from the city.

On the way we stop at a mall. You get frisked on the way in and they search you bag for guns. The mall sells guns! But I opt for a new suitcase instead of a firearm, my case has not really survived the trip so a replacement is needed. I got one in the sale, it’s huge and red and only cost 30 quid, we’ll see how long it lasts.

When we get to my Dad’s place we are welcomed by amazing banners & mugs with our pictures on (My banner no hangs proudly on my living room wall at home). Elvie runs a store, all the local kids come round to but their candy, I think we may have increased sales as we are proving to be quite curiosity to the youngsters. They call us ‘Americanos’, I keep replying back “English!” but I don’t think they get the distinction. One little lad stops in his tracks, stares at Me, Abe, and my Dad in turn and then runs off home shouting “Three! There’s three of them!”

The house has a corrugated iron roof so it’s a bit noisy when it rains (and boy can it rain out here!). It’s also surrounded by various fruit trees. At night fruit bats come out to feast in the trees above the house, they knock off more than they eat, each fruit hits the roof with a loud ‘Bang!’. My nerves are soon shot to pieces. 

As soon as it gets dark (around 6pm all year round) the crickets start chirping, closely followed by the frogs, together they make a right din! But it’s not an unpleasant sound and you soon get used to it...unlike the cockerel which wakes me up at 5am, I never got used to that damn bird!

28^th August 2012

Of to the beach hut ‘La Concha’ on Samal Island today. We meet our guide/caretaker Tata at the docks and get the ferry across from Davao City. Tata and his family live just behind the beach hut and take care of both the hut and it’s guests. 

He drives us to the hut in his pickup truck, as we get closer to the hut the roads get worse, by the time we arrive I’m picking up my fillings from the footwell. I’ll never complain about the roads in the UK again! 

The beach hut is amazing! Right on the shore! The view is amazing and it’s so quiet, the silence only broken by the ‘phut phut’ of the occasional fishing boat motor.

As I sit enjoying the view I notice several of the pebble on the beach seem to be moving, on closer inspection the whole place is alive with hermit crabs big & small, amazing!

The shallows around the hut were full of tropical fish of all kinds, I even saw some angel fish!

29th August 2012 

Today it rained, all day, not heavy but persistent, so we just chilled out in the hut. If the afternoon we went to the local market for a few supplies. Abe introduced us to Jacque, the girl he'd met, she's lovely and they get on so well together, it's really nice to see him so happy.

That night I woke up about 3am needed to pee, so I trotted off to the comfort room (toilet) as quietly as I could. As I approached I could hear a loud chirping coming from inside, it was even louder once I got there but I just assumed it was a frog and went about my business. The walls of the comfort room are made of big bamboo poles. 

Just as I finished I could hear a loud scraping sound about half way up the wall above the toilet, on closer inspection I could also tell the chirping sound was coming from the same place. Then a huge claw poked out from the bamboo, and another! It was a massive crab climbing through the bamboo poles, a massive CHIRPING crab!! At this point, just stood there in my pants, I felt rather vulnerable and didn’t fancy doing battle with giant chirping crabs so I bolted. 

The next day I recounted my story and everyone thought I was a total nut-job.

Next time a meet a giant chirping crab I’ll make sure I get a picture!

30th August 2012 

Visited Hagimit Falls today, a little resort in the woods which has beautiful waterfalls. We all went for a dip, well all of us accept my Dad, he thought it looked too cold (It’s wasn’t). Abe had a go at climbing up the falls a bit but slipped and fell heavily on his wrist, it swelled up like a good un, hopefully it’s not broken cause our travel insurance people are yet to take a payment so I doubt we’re covered for fixing bones and the like.

I had a bit of a dodgy gut and needed to find a toilet, which I did. Once inside I was dismayed to find no bog roll! I dash back to the other and explained my predicament. My Dad asked “Is there a bucket of water and a scoop in there?”, I informed him there was.., “That’s you’re toilet paper” he replied.

My face dropped “I’m not wiping my arse with my hand!”

“Thousands of people do” chipped in Abe, very unhelpfully.

In the end I managed to find a few tissues in my manbag and made do. After the deed was done Abe handed me a full packet of tissues “Just found these” he said, again very unhelpfully!

On the way back from the falls we visited the Monfort Bat Caves which houses the worlds largest colony of fruit bats. Our guide (a rather pretty lady) informed us that all the other caves around this part of the world had been disturbed by humans, who find the bats rather tasty, but as this cave is on private protected land they are safe here and come to roost from far and wise. An estimate of the population puts it around 2 million bats!

It was a truly amazing experience, even during the day they make a right racket, every inch of space has a bat hanging from it. At the bottom of the cave is an inevitable mountain of bat crap, it was a bit pongy but were didn’t have to get to close so it didn’t take any of the magic away from the experience.

On the way out Elvie informed us our guide, the rather pretty lady, was actually a rather pretty man. 

Back at the hut we had a bit of a swim in the sea, it was so warm, like bath water. Elvie dropped her sunglasses into the sea in a place where the water was quite deep. I had a go at diving for them but I couldn’t see too well without my glasses on. At one point I felt something brush my leg and on looking down saw a HUGH ray! I doggy-paddled my ass out of there as quick as my flailing limbs would allow. 

I went back to the shore and grabbed my glasses to get a better look.

On closer inspection the ray was actually a piece of netting caught on a log.

Tata & his family gave us fresh coconuts with a straw and an orchid flower in the top, I’d never had coconut milk before but it was lovely, a really nice touch on our last evening at the hut.

31th August 2012 

Today we said goodbye to La Concha with heavy hearts, we’d all had a fab time.

Spent most of the day lugging our stuff back to the mainland. We had to flag down a taxi at one point. When one finally stopped the driver recognised my Dad and said he’s driven him before. In a city with a population of 1.5 million it seems white blokes with long white hair are rare enough to achieve some degree of fame!

Me and Abe check in to the Marco Polo Hotel, it is very very posh! About 100 quid a night so expensive for Davao! It is the tallest building in Davao (That’s important, as you will see)

MASSIVE EARTHQUAKE!!!

It was about 8.30p, I was chilling on my bed texting the missus when I heard a knocking sound, then the whole room started to shake! It was quite hard to stand the room was swaying so much, like trying to walk on a moving train.

I panicked! Slipped on my shoes and ran out of the room...then I ran back in again to grab my passport. Mad as it sounds by logic for doing this was “I want to make it easier for them to identify my corpse in the rubble”. So anyway, passport in hand I dashed out of the room again. I knew I could use the lift so ran for the nearest exit sign...which took me into a laundry room! The whole building was still shaking so I ran back out on to the landing and spied an open emergency exit door which led to the stairs. I should point out that my room is on the 15^th floor. 

I pegged it down the stairs as fast as I could. About half way down the quake seemed to stop, I didn’t, I wanted to get out of the building so carried on. Outside several people had the same idea as me and were milling around in the car park. The whole thing seemed to last forever but was probably over in a minute. 

Eventually I deemed the situation safe and went back in and straight to the bar for a stiff vodka.

I found out sometime after that the Marco Polo is ‘Earthquake proof’ and is built on giant springs (hence the extra swaying about). The quake was a magnitude 7.6 and bigger than they are used to over there, even some of the locals were a bit shaken...if you’ll excuse the pun. 

Abe & Jacque were in the cinema at the time of the quake, he said the seats started shaking and he thought someone in the row behind was up to some shenanigans. The cinema empted pretty quickly and no one went back in after the quake.

I was terrified at the time but looking back on the experience it was awesome! A real ‘been there, done that’ moment.

01 September 2012 

Went to a mall called ‘Abreeza’ this morning for breakfast, had a burger. They asked what flavour I wanted with my chips, I said BBQ assuming it would be a dip, my chips turned up covered in a BBQ flavoured dust, I wasn’t impressed. 

There are a lot of western shops here, Debenhams, M & S etc, unfortunately the prices are all western too so out of my budget, makes me wonder who can actually afford this stuff out here?

Lots of hawkers outside selling Rolex watched & Rayban shades, all fake of course. A woman waved a baby at me asking for food. You just have to wave them away and say ‘no thanks’, if you gave one of them any money you would be swamped pretty quickly by beggars. 

Went back to the hotel and spent the afternoon by the pool, then it started to rain so went back to the room for a nap. Everything still seems like its swaying, it’s not of course, just y paranoia, I keep a bottle of water by my bed so I can check for any movement in the meniscus. 

That evening we went out to a kind of grill place for some food, it was nice enough but not really my cup of tea. 

Then went back to the hotel for any early night.

02 September 2012 

Left Marco Polo today to spend a few days at my Dad’s place. 

Had my first ride in  a motorbike with sidecar, the main form of transport around the Bago’s. Not as scary as I expected, I actually rather enjoyed it, took my back to my youth when I was bezzing around on my moped.

For lunch we went up to this place which had a circular lake with a pulley system above it, this enabled people to go wakeboarding, I decided to give it a miss. I was good fun watching people go around as we ate, or more accurately, face-plant the water. 

That evening back at Dad & Elvie’s we had a roast chicken dinner, a little taste of home, very nice it was too. 

Then a few glasses of Tanduay rhum (gorgeous stuff, wonder if I can get hold of it back in the UK?) before bed.

03 September 2012 

It’s sooooo hot today!

Off to immigration this morning so Dad can renew his visa, you have to wear long trousers or they won’t let you in. It all went smoothly and didn’t take as long as expected so that was good.

Popped into another mall after to get some souvenirs and some ciggys for the missus, 200 cigs for about £3.50, bargain! 

It was then on to the Davao Crocodile Park.

I got to hold a small croc! :) It was strange, and actually felt like a slightly warm handbag. It was a bit too zoo-like for me, but they do some conservation work and for this park of the world it could have been worse. 

I also tried some Civet Cat poo coffee! It was pricey but very nice, kind of musky hints to the flavour.

Afterwards we went to the butterfly gardens.

On the way back we went to a resort come farm called ‘The Gap’, there was lots to do and see with strange sculptures all over the place of local folk lore and famous Philippine peeps. I slipped on some algae and almost disappeared over a cliff into the woods, thankfully there was a life-size model of a severed torso of a witch to stop my descent.

There was a big storm that night, or several storms. 

You can tell when the rain is coming because it gets a few degrees warmer just before it hits, very strange. 

04 September 2012 

Today we visited the Philippine Eagle Park, they are huge, sometimes known as the Monkey Eating Eagle, very impressive birds.

Bought Dad and Elvie a wooden carving as a ‘thank you’ gift for letting us stay, I haggled the guy down on price a bit, proably could have got more off but it was cheap enough anyway.

Dad had a go holding a massive python, it weighed 40kg! I declined the opportunity to hold it as I don’t think my back could take a 40kg snake! Kind of wish I did have a go now, but there’s always next time.

A few days ago my Dad said to me that Christmas starts on the 1^st of September over here, I thought he was joking but Christmas lights have started to appear on peoples houses out in the Bagos and the malls are playing Christmas tunes as you shop!

That evening we went to a restaurant called The Swiss Deli, it’s run by an English guy and offers a taste of home. I went for sausage and mash, it was Smash but I love that stuff. My Dad likes to go there as a treat when he can afford it.

05 September 2012 

Today we leave the Philippines and I’m genuinely very upset to be leaving, I’ve had a great time and everyone has been so friendly. 

It was really nice to meet Elvie, she’s lovely and it makes me very happy to see her and my Dad so happy together :)

Ray, a guy from the village I had met briefly before, came round to say goodbye. It was 8am and he’d had a Tanduay or 2 so was in fine fettle, his English isn’t great but he does try, and we can get by with the help of hand gestures. He wanted a ‘remembrance’ of my visit, I recalled he was very impressed with my shorts on our first meeting so I gave him my spare pair, he was over the moon! Said if anyone hassled my Dad he pop a cap in their ass, he also said I could have the pick of the women with my soft face, but I informed him I was already happily attached.

Almost got arrested at Davao airport for smoking in a place I thought smoking was allowed, but it wasn’t. Thankfully Elvie talked the policeman down, I just played my dumb foreigner card. 

With a heavy heart I waved my folks and new friends goodbye and boarded the plane. Abe is gutted to be leaving Jacque, but I have a feeling he'll be back in the Philippines very soon :)

Our flight goes from Davao to Cebu (which is in the wrong direction), and then on to Singapore. 

More frustration over the ridiculous amounts of ‘hand luggage’ people have, why does a small child need their own wheelie case for a 4 hour flight!? 

Had just enough time for a ciggy & a coffee in Cebu airport so it wasn’t too bad. 

After another helping of Mr Bean & Just for Laughs (kill me, please kill me), we arrived safely in Singapore.

This time we only have one night so decided to stay at a slightly posher hotel, The Orchard Park. As we were checking in the guy on the desk offered us a glass of champagne. I ask if it was free and gave him a suspicious glance, he assured me it was so we drank it down.

That night we had a real craving for some spice & flavour so we headed to Little India and ordered far too much curry, it was gorgeous though!

06 September 2012 

Today we fly back to Manchester, but not until this evening, so we leave our bags at the hotel and set off for Chinatown as I need to buy some more souvenirs. 

After a successful shopping trip we went out to a food place on the bay in search of a final satay fix before we left. We ate as much satay as we could, it was fantastic! There are so many ships in the bay, I never seen anything like it!

It was then back to the hotel for a couple of Slings before we had to head to the airport. 

The flight home was pleasant enough, without any major dramas.

We arrived back in Manchester around 7am.

That evening I had to put the heating on, even though it was about 20 degrees outside, it’s going to take a while to re-acclimatise to UK temperatures.

So to conclude, it was an amazing holiday, real once in a lifetime stuff, although I hope to return soon! I would certainly recommend the Philippines as a holiday destination don’t be put off by the foreign office warnings, as long as you are careful and smart there is no reason not to vista, and the people are all so friendly!

***Wee Update**

My wee returned to normal a few days into the holiday. On my return I had an ultra-sound and my kidneys & bladder are in good order. They wanted to stick a camera somewhere a bloke should never have a camera stuck but I told them to jog on (I’s had that done 10 years back and vowed it really would be a ‘once in a lifetime’ experience). 

So all is well :)

Horse Poem

Once there was a tiny horse, it gambolled and it ran, jumped into a bakery and landed in a flan.

The baker he was fuming, he shouted and he swore. The horse just shook his tail and bolted through the door.

He trotted to the paper shop and read the local rag, the newsagent he chased him off "You stupid tiny nag!"

With head held low and tail limp, he wandered to the coast, settled on the golden sand and made himself some toast.

Munching on that dry old bread he made a big decision, never more would he dive headlong, through windows of derision.

Twitter Ye Not

A man was arrested today after what is thought to be a serious terrorist attack on Bobbin Hood International Airport.

We understand a man was seen inflating a spent crisp packet before then going on to pop the device.

The attack led to the closure of the airport, and although no serious casualties were reported, early eye witness accounts indicate "several people may have been startled".

A spokesman for Bobbin Hood Airport issued the following statement:

"It is our belief that some time between 09:45 and 10:15 an as yet identified man was observed inflating an empty packet of undetermined corn-based snacks before exploding the device between the palms of his hands"

Later this morning amateur video footage emerged showing the assailant munching on what we now believe to be a packet of 'Scampi Fries'. Upon finishing the snack he can be seen to raise the bag to his face in order to inflate it. He then proceeds to bust the bag causing a loud 'popping' sound. You can see members of the public closest to the blast being slightly startled as the device is detonated.

Security services immediately apprehended the man and a statement has been issued.

"We now have the man in custody and he is currently being questioned with the hope we can determine the motive for the attack. We treat these bag poppings very seriously, it's a miracle no one was more seriously startled"

A CPS spokesman also confirmed "This individual will feel the full wrath of the UK justice system, no resources will be spared"

***********************************

OK, so the above news article is clearly fabricated and indeed totally ridiculous, however it is not a million miles away from what is happening out there in the real world right now.

Unless you've been in a nuclear bunker (or a CPS judge's house) for the past few months you will be aware of the #TwitterJokeTrial and the fact that an appeal against the conviction of Paul Chambers has just been overturned in court.

But if you have, here is a link to the story: Twitter Joke Trial

Long story short, Paul posted a joke on his Twitter feed about blowing up the airport, 4 days later a member of the airport staff found it by doing a random search on Twitter, reported it to the police, and Paul was arrested.

Anyone who knows Paul through the site or even indeed just reads the comment in context can see it is no more than a flippant remark at worse. Yet this remark, and the subsequent prosecution, has destroyed a promising career and made it virtually impossible for him to find a new job.

At the appeal Judge Davies described the Tweet as "menacing in its content and obviously so. It could not be more clear. Any ordinary person reading this would see it in that way and be alarmed."

Although popular opinion might suggest otherwise, I like to consider myself an 'ordinary person' and I can assure you, upon this reading the Tweet I was neither menaced or alarmed by it's content. I took it exactly as it was meant, just an fictional articulation of the frustration felt by Paul at the prospect of not being able to fly to Northern Ireland to meet his now girlfriend.

People use Twitter in different ways. For many, myself included, it is just a medium which allows thoughts to spill from their head out into the digital ether. It's a release, better out than in as they say. For me the whole joy of tweeting is the spontaneity of the experience, if I have to start considering and censoring my Tweets then it defeats the object. At the end of the day I'm not forcing people to read my ramblings and vented frustrations, if they don't like it they can unfollow, block, or dare I suggest...stop reading!

The thing that concerns me most about this whole affair is, if this judgement stands, where does it stop?

I overheard a lady on the train this week saying "I'm going to kill my husband when I get home". Should I have been frozen with dread to be sat so close to a crazed killer? Should I have called the police so she could be apprehended at the next stop?

And lads, next time you are out for a few beers in a crowded pub and are feeling a bit peckish, think vary carefully before uttering the words "I could murder an Indian".

Sounds silly doesn't it,and that's exactly what it is, silly. Yet the CPS persist and Paul's conviction stands, for now at least anyway.

Let us hope in the end common sense will prevail.






If you have been affected by the issues raised in this Blog you can find details of how to make a donation to the #TwitterJokeTrial fund at: Joke Trial Fund

Train of thought

"What the hell am I going to write about?"

This was the question I asked myself whilst sat on the train, heading home at the end of yet another wholly uneventful day.

Gazing out at the blurred landscape through a ran-splattered window offered little inspiration, so I drag myself away from my musings for a few seconds to see if I had a clear line of sight to 'Gorgeous Train Lady'

I do not.

She's sat a few seats in front of me, facing me, but my view is obscured by a forest of hairstyles belonging to fellow commuters. I catch a brief glimpse of her centre parting as one of the hairstyles is caught off guard by an explosive cough...but that's my lot.

I first spotted Gorgeous Train Lady (from herein referred to as GTL) a year or so ago. The daily commute has no shortage of attractive souls to distract the eye and the mind, but I barely give them a second thought these days. GTL however, was different. There was something about her, something I cant distil or explain, but something none the less.

Of course I'll never speak to her, oh no that's not how I do things. I may risk the occasional fleeting moment of eye contact, but even that can lead to disappointment, if my gaze is not met with similar sentiment, or even worse...horror of horrors...I see deep in those pale eyes the seed of disgust.

I'm jerked back into the carriage by the tonnes of iron which surround me, it shudders as it enters the dark gape of tunnel. Looking around I see silent conversations, silent because I'm listening to my ipod. As my ears a denied the content of these exchanges my eyes take over, carefully reading each expression.

My seat is comfortable, and most importantly free of moisture (a subtle swipe of the hand before being seated is essential on public transport). The seat next to me lies empty, an advantage of being a scruffy smoker with paedophillic facial hair. Nothing worse than being cramped in a seat next to a 'seat hog', every stroke of their finger on their mobile phone screen delivering a painful jab into my ribs.

Most trains have a unique fug, one which can punch it's way through to my smoke damaged nasal receptors. Usually a heady combination of halitosis, BO, perfume, and the occasional hint of turd. But not this one, not today, this train is eerily fug free, again this pleases me.

I allow my eyes to wander around the carriage again and they fall on a cocky shaven-headed bloke, actually cocky isn't a fair description, bit too heavy on the letters...cock...cock is a far more accurate accolade. Now don't go berating me for being judgemental, books by their covers and all that. I know this man is a cock because I have encountered him many times before, usually brushing me aside as he dashes off the train to get to wherever he's going. I often assume he must have a human kidney in his pocket, and those vital few seconds he saves by barging through a sea of passengers could mean the difference between life or deaf to a poor little orphan boy...little orphan boy Timmy "Little Timmy needs a new kidney and there is not a second to spare!"

I've held my gaze too long, and my face has lapsed into an involuntary scowl, he's noticed and is returning the favour with a scowl of his own, not as impressive as mine I'll wager (I scowl in my sleep), but a scowl none the less. How to get out of this one? A cough maybe, let my eyelids fall as if in a drowsy stupor? In the end I opt for the 'sneer and window stare', that way I get to back down but still have the final word...so to speak.

I see him again on the way home, the light catches a lawn of fiery stubble on his chin...


..he is an angry ginger in denial.

So we meet again...

So here I am, blogging again, back by popular demand!

Well I say popular demand, in truth two, maybe three people have expressed a desire to read my ramblings again. It baffles me as to why. But hey, I not complaining I enjoy writing. It's just sometimes it's hard, not the writing bit, the writing bit is fairly easy, its the finding stuff to write about.

Truth is...not a lot goes on in my life, and what does go on is fairly dull. Sure, I can pad it out a bit, use a bit of creative license, but you can only polish a turd so much. Be too eager, vigorous with the brush and you're left not with a shiny coprolite, but with a gooey brown mess on your hands and a bit of explaining to do.

So why did I stop before?

There are a few answers to that question.

Firstly, and probably most significantly, I'm lazy, very lazy. Like I mentioned before, writing takes effort, and effort can be easily avoided. Why spend hours wracking my brains for something to write, when I can just lay on my beloved sofa and soak up whatever shite the tellybox chooses to spray in my direction.

Secondly...Twitter. Twitter gives me instant access to vent my frustrations and thoughts, why bottle it up and keep the best bits for a once weekly feature, when I can blurt out 24-7 any old crap I choose to whenever I like. Sure most of it's chaff, but every now and then there will be the odd grain of wheat tucked in there too.

Lastly, as I touched on before, my life is incredibly dull, mostly my own doing but what chance do I have with such a predisposition to chronic laziness and loafing. And although I'm relatively content...no...resigned to the dullness of life, it doesn't really make good reading.

But I'm back now and I'll do my best to keep you entertained. Failing that I'm sure I pick up a few readers who will linger for the 'car crash' factor, just popping in now and then to look on in awe and disgust at the text which befalls their eyes.

Anyway that's more than enough for now. Don't want to overdo it, peak too soon, fly too close to the sun etc etc.


Also I want a drink.

Ta Ta for now

Stoaty X